BAGGAGE CLAIM

I’m gonna pack my bags and take a quick trip back to kindergarten. Tanglewood Elementary School. Mrs. Rogan was my teacher. She had red hair.

My biggest traumatic kindergarten experience was the day Janet Tew stuck her tongue out at me and I cried the whole morning. (I had never been treated so cruelly in my ‘entire’ life.)

The second biggest traumatic day was when my little brother Tim upset the Tupperware container full of cupcakes Mom made for me to take to school, and all the icing was ruined. I remember hiding in my parents’ closet and crying until the disaster was remedied. Those are the only two bad things I remember from those days.

Everything else was good. Nap time on the blue mat. Choosing a huge oatmeal cookie for my snack everyday after the nap. Buying milk for two pennies. I can honestly still feel those two pennies in my little hand, as I traded them for a small red and white carton of milk. The smell (and taste) of paste! Nubby scissors. Putting those fatter-than-my-fingers Crayons back in the box, always in the following order: red, orange, yellow, green, blue, purple, brown, black. My best friend Ricky. Reciting “The Pledge.”

Oh, yeah, there was one more bad day. The day I found out my other friend Paul had moved away, and how weird and empty I felt inside. The kindergarten room was kind of darker, it seemed for weeks. I can’t explain that at all, but that was a new feeling at my young age.

Wow, I can’t believe I actually remember that much, once I started writing it all down!

Hey, remember those things we learned way back in kindergarten? The 'rules.' A lot of what we learned was ‘social’ in nature. Things like: Wait in line single file (because orderliness helps things go more smoothly for everybody.) Walk down the right-hand side of the hall. Raise your hand and wait to be acknowledged before speaking … basically, don’t interrupt. It was special to be the “door-holder” because it is honorable to serve others. Take only one cookie at snack time so there would be enough for everybody.

These were the beginnings of “socialization,” learning how to get along with others. How to live in a society. Things that make life more pleasant, and help us all get along better. Controlling oneself. Courtesy and such.

For some reason, those things stuck with me my whole life. Mrs. Rogan did a good job. Maybe they stuck too well, because I’m often looking for a better way for us humans to get things done in a more orderly and time-efficient manner.

For example, there’s one thing we didn’t learn in kindergarten that I wish we could all go back and learn: How to wait for our luggage at the airport Baggage Claim area.

Why do people crowd against the conveyor before it even starts moving? People shove their way up to the very edge and lean over it, hovering over their ‘territory’ so nobody gets in their space. Territory is claimed and guarded. “No Trespassing” signs instantly go up everywhere. Glances are shot from person to person: “This is MY spot, I got here first. Find your own spot to wait for your luggage!”

I always laugh at the frantic positioning that goes on before anybody even sees a single piece of luggage come out from that plastic-strip-covered cave opening to the mysterious place behind the wall where ‘gorillas’ or something similar man-handle our luggage.

At the first sign of luggage, finally appearing and circling the steel and black apparatus, people stare at the cave for that first glimpse of their precious bags. Foxholes are dug, and the trenches are manned, as passengers reaffirm their claim to that tiny piece of real estate that assures them the best access to their bag when it finally trudges by at a snail’s pace.

Those patient and honorable few, who hang back a few paces, and wait to actually SEE their luggage before approaching to pick it up, have to excuse themselves several times just to squeeze in and grab their bag. The other passengers give them a smug sneer because they dared to trespass upon already staked out territory.

Ok, maybe I’m exaggerating. But just a little.

C’mon people, let’s all hang back about eight feet or so from the edge of the luggage carrier. Maybe the airport people can paint a line back there to give us a good hint where we should stand and wait. There’s plenty more room back there, and everybody can get a good view of the parade of duffles, rollers, suitcases, and taped up cardboard boxes.

Then, when you actually see your piece of luggage, walk forward peacefully and retrieve it. No shoving, no “excuse me,” no bruised toes, no looks of disdain from fellow passengers. Doesn’t that sound more like an orderly, simple and efficient way to get luggage in a modern, civilized society?

Do I sound like I’m complaining? Actually I’m not, not at all. I just get a good laugh every time I get to Baggage Claim, and watch the humanness unfold.

Here’s the deal. If I’m ever a kindergarten teacher, we’re going to take the whole class on a field trip to the airport. There we will learn this very basic airport courtesy. Just like all the other civil rules. It’s really simple enough for kindergarteners. Stand back a little bit. Don’t crowd. Be patient. There’s no need to hurry in there and make sure you’ve boxed out the competition! Your stuff will come, and probably at a snail’s pace anyway. So, what’s the rush?

Now put your crayons away. It’s nap time.